Monday January 4, 2010

Just want to share some processing with you guys that happened a couple of weeks before I went to Oregon, than I was able to talk with my sister about as well however I don’t think I am done having it profoundly affect me.
So a week, week and a half before I was to go to Oregon I found out from my niece that her brother who has not had any contact with our family since he was 5 has been told his whole entire life that I molested him…and that put me in a tailspin (and still has me spinning today!!) This month will be 5 years exactly since I started having night terrors and memories about my own childhood molesting and to be told that I molested a little boy who was only in our family for a little bit…besides having my niece tell me and not her brother…by the way my niece was the one that told my perpetrator (my dad) as well so…I have some anger at that also. Not only did my dad find out about my story from my niece; I found out about my nephew supposedly being molested by me from that same niece!
Today I am in a ‘ok Lord i wanna know why this happened’ and yes I am asking why…my memories are 5 years old…my dad was my buddy…he was everything to me; the only adult in the house that cared about me; and then when I am 41 years old to find out why he cared about me…all the grooming he did; how much he talked down about my mom; (still today!) and how drunk he got night after night after night!!! And then years later to find out that something I had no memory of happened to me…and how it all makes sense…why I remember certain things;and don’t remember most other things; why I have sexual issues (mostly hate being a girl, always have; thought if only I was a boy my dad would never, ever do this to me!); so here I am 5 years into the memories and sometimes I feel like I have just shoved them all inside to make it ‘look like’ I have dealt with it when I haven’t at all and other times I feel like it happened to someone else not me…i actually shared this event with my Albany, Oregon AA home group for the first time since i remembered it and it was basically men and men i have known for awhile…not in touch with how i feel about that…?
I haven’t gone to church for over a year (maybe two) and i am struggling with this whole concept of ‘well meaning’ Christians as well! I do know that Jesus is doing a miraculous work in me i feel Him in my heart some days…i see Him in the pictures i take and the paintings i paint..that is how i know He is alive…
thanks for reading this if you did and i would just like to preface…please don’t anyone take this personal…if your comment isn’t loving and gentle it will be deleted..this is as real as it gets for me so i will delete your comment if it’s not loving and gentle!!


5 thoughts on “Monday January 4, 2010

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