I have been almost avoiding my blog because when it is just me and ‘the blog’ it seems it is also just me and the truth. Sometimes it is hard to hang with just me and the truth. Not because of any other reason but how painful it is. Today is a sad day. I have been having night terrors; i wake up with gasping for air (and i am on a breathing machine) and sometimes crying sometimes in another room wondering how i got there. Always with the idea that someone, something is after me or going to hurt me in some fashion.
I am coming up on the day that my memories of my incest started coming to me. Last night i was talking with a friend of mine and i told her i just am in a place where i am tired; several realizations are coming to me pretty fast and furious and shattering life long illusions that i have believed for 45 years now and i am doing my best to deal with all of that and trying to function in the world as a ‘grown-up’ and look like i am doing all right…so i feel like today is my “meltdown; do nothing day.” I am not at all sure what that means i just know that is how i feel. i am really tired of the terrors; the dreams about being raped repeatedly; the violence in my dreams is becoming overwhelming…
In all honest i woke up this morning wanting a different life; I wanted to be with T; have 2 of his kids; have those kids jumping on our bed waking us up; seeing his beautiful smile first thing in the morning; the kids asking dad to fix pancakes for breakfast; and watching T fix those pancakes and then trying to figure out what our nice comfy little family is going to do the rest of the day as a ‘family’ that is what i really want to be doing today…in my innermost heart but that dream was taken away from me a long, long, long time ago. You see cuz I don’t even believe that I am in any way worthy of that at all…that is what I am rambling on and on and on about; that is what I have been saying for 45 years; thankfully there have been people along my life’s path that have listened and still listen today i did have this dream once…somewhere in my little heart before it got ripped and grasped away from me like the dying need oxygen that is how this dream was taken from me by someone you would never have imagined…yep it’s true….daddy dearest….
Well I have taken enough space up on here for today i suppose…i have to shove those thoughts back where ever they live when i am not looking at them and go about my day and watch Julie and Julia (i guess) and try to deal with the life i have chosen (have i?) and hopefully squeeze some fun into today as well cuz i sound like i am quite a downer to myself….thanks ya’ll again for listening…Love and Blessings!!